- Did I know that I was going through a horrible time?
- Was I aware that I had feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness?
- Was I aware that I had insomnia, and I felt restlessness?
- Was I aware that I had persistent sad, anxiety, including having “empty” feelings ?
- Was I aware that I lost interest in things and lost pleasure in life? –
- Was I aware that I lost trust in everything and everyone?
Only the first question has a ¨Yes¨ answer. It was the only thing I felt by that moment – ¨a horrible time¨. For the rest of the questions, the answer is NO. I wasn’t aware of all my negative feelings, and thoughts that I had. I totally let myself go off track, lost myself in the ocean of negativity. Despite all the help I received from people around me, I didn’t trust anyone, anything, even myself. From a lively, smiley, and optimistic person, I became gloomy.
Did I know I was going through an illness called ¨depression¨ ? NO, absolutely NO
End of 2020 due to numerous accumulated reasons, I started falling into first states of depression without realizing it. I’d gotten help from several people however, of course, I refused them all at first. I didn’t want to have any. Trust me, people who really care about you, never give up on you and it doesn’t matter if you want to have their help or not, they will find a way to do it, because they love you and care about you for real. They want to have you back. And I know it for what I have been through.
May 2021 was a remarkable, unforgettable time to me when my illness reached its higher levels. All the support I have been receiving seemed that meaningless. I didn’t show any improvement but the contrary. I felt hopeless, disappointed with myself. I talked badly to people who were trying to help me. I refused to meet the psychologist after already having various coaching sessions with my personal coach and didn’t work . I didn’t believe in those methodologies. However, in the end, to please the one who tried to help me, I agreed to go. So then, I went to my first therapy session. After the first one, I had two more only, and I stopped. It was during July, 2021.
Why did I decide to stop going to therapy?
In fact, during those therapy sessions, I realized that I could express my feelings to my psychologist without worrying that he would judge me. I was aware that he was just a stranger, who completely didn’t know anything about me, he was just there to listen to me, to all my emotions, my feelings, my worries, my burdens, my etc. I realized that I could express them, and I felt good each time I did it. Then, because he knew that I love reading, he gave me some books about self-help. He also introduced me to some other activities such as meditation. After all, I noticed some improvements, yes, indeed, and I appreciate my psychologist for all of these. However, honestly, with my salary only, paying for the whole flat on my own, I knew that I couldn’t afford it for long.
One day, I told myself: ¨Sally, people here to support you, and they will be here for you. But if you don’t want to help yourself, no one can. What do you really want? ¨
Then I started to list down what I really wanted. I got stuck with that list for days and until now I still don’t have the list 🙂
However, that day when I asked myself the question, my journey of breaking up with this illness called ¨depression¨ had started.
End of July 2021, I decided to get out of the house, throw myself into various activities. I joined various social groups. During a few months, I went on various hiking excursions, connected with people, with nature; made new friends; read several books of self-help; practiced meditation, I connected with myself; learned new things.
I smile again, I laugh again, I trust again, I have hope again, I love people, nature and little things around me again, I feel loved again and I love myself …again. And this time, my smiles, my laughs do not hide any sadness behind. Because, I’m still having sad, bad moments, but I don’t hide them, I show them and acknowledge them.
These were and are still tips for myself to prevent it coming back:
1. Being aware of my emotion: I receive the emotion that arrives to me as something meaningful, doesn’t matter if it is positive or negative, it shows who I am in each moment. Each one of them brings a message to me and I need to be aware of it. Knowing that it will just be there temporarily, I try not to dig deep into it, in order not to judge it. I just accept it, accept that it is there and accept that I am going through it.
2. Reach out for support and not isolate myself: I have in my mind, my heart a list of people who make me feel safe, feel cared for, and I would love to reach out whenever I have a negative emotion which leads to negative thinking, and I know that they are willing to spare their time and listen to me without judging me. I don’t think we need someone to fix our problem, we need someone just to listen to us. And why not, I don’t have to spend my salary 🙂 It is a joke but in fact, it is true, and it is the reality. (My dears, if you read this article, please let me invite you for a coffee and maybe some sweets :p )
For me, it is really important give priority to this but in the old fashion ¨face-to -face¨. Trust me, it plays a big role in this case, much more than just by calls or messages.
3. Do things I like:
- Reading books: This is one of my hobbies. I consider books to be my friends, they played such an important role during my recovery period. I read a lot of books about self-help that can apply in personal life as well as professional life
- Do sport: beside yoga or hiking that I do from time to time when I have a chance, I started to have another hobby which is running. I started in Feb 2022 until now. This sport helps me to free my mind. Well, I have to say that when I am not in a mood, it is hard for me to even move my butt out of the sofa. But I always try to force myself to stand-up, put my running cloth on and then ¨out¨. Every time I do it, I feel more upbeat.
- Writing: When I was teenager, I used to write a lot but didn’t keep anything afterwards. Last summer, I decided to start writing again. I started by writing down my feelings whenever I feel something makes me either happy or sad. Then I started writing more and more about other stories. I really enjoy it.
- Practice mindfulness: I pay attention to and enjoy everything I do. What for me is being present, for me, for people who are with me, for the universe.
- Do other activities that boost my motivation, creativity, and have fun.
4. A healthy life:
- Eating: I heard that the way we eat has a direct impact on the way we feel. It is true to me. So, I tend to pay attention to what I eat and consume. I try not to skip my meal too even though sometimes, when I am not in a good mood, or having some anxiety, it is really hard for me to eat anything.
- Sleep: I care more about my sleep and try to sleep enough. I also tend to follow up on my quality of sleep if I have a deep sleep or not.
5. Practice gratitude: Again, I am grateful for being a being, for having a job, for having a place to stay, for having food every day, for having a family even though they are far, for being surrounded by people who care about me and I care about them, fore being able to design my life.
I am Grateful
6. Self-love: I believe what I’ve done and keep doing in the list above prove that I am learning to love myself more. I also believe, when I know to love myself, that is when I know how to love others, and that is when good things come. And so, I will keep an eye on it on my journey of Peace & Happiness.
This list of things worked for me and keep working for me. However, each of us is different, anyone who suffers from this illness will have to find the list of things that will work for them.
I hope you will find that list soon and willing to break-up with depression or simply prevent it comes to you.
